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INTERGENERATIONAL EXCHANGES: A STUDY OF ELDERLY AND THEIR MARRIED CHILDREN

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INTERGENERATIONAL EXCHANGES:

A STUDY OF ELDERLY AND THEIR MARRIED CHILDREN

Dr. Anupam Bahri

INTRODUCTION:

The parent-child bond is a continuum of emotional support that lasts a life time of both, the parent and the offspring. This bipolar, linear interaction can vary in frequency, quality and type depending on the age, interests and needs of the two generations. During early childhood the relationship between parent and child is constant and largely unidirectional, because the children are highly dependent on their parents for support. During adolescence, this interaction declines in frequency and becomes more reciprocal as both generations tend to influence each other either through conflict or concordance.

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The relationship would most probably be characterized by conflict over values, beliefs and behavior (Alpert and Richardson, 1980). Then these very children eventually establish their own families and begin to experience interactions from the parental perspective the relationship with their own parents may decrease further in quantity and quality as new demands are placed on them. Finally as new demands enter midlife and parents grow old, interaction may increase especially if elderly parent becomes increasingly dependent on an adult child. In this situation the relationship once again becomes primarily linear, but in the opposite direction that is, from that of the adult children. More help is given to parents, especially with respect to healthcare. However, there may be a continuing socio-cultural and economic exchange developing in both directions, although whether the direction is parent to child or child to parent may depend on the socio- economic status of the two generations.

Within the family there are physical, emotional, economic and social resources that can be exchanged in a serial or reciprocal manner, depending on the need of the parent or child generation. Serial exchanges tend to be prevalent and generally represent a downward flow of assistance from the older generation to the younger generation because of a sense of responsibility and affection (Moore, 1966). Reciprocal exchange or a two way flow is most common among the central and oldest generations, especially among the middle class. Johnson and Bursk (1977) found that 93 per cent of the elderly in the study, who had adult children, were engaged in a reciprocal pattern of exchange.

This process of exchange usually involved services like babysitting, and/ or nursing the infants that is their grandchildren, counseling, shopping, household maintenance, gifts like money, clothes, appliances, and air or train tickets for visits or interaction in the form of face to face visits, telephone calls or letters (Hill, 1965; Synge et.al., 1981). The form and frequency of exchange varies greatly among families and is influenced by a number of social factors. These include residential propinquity, social class, children’s sex, their own race and ethnicity as well as that of the children, age of the middle and oldest generations and the degree of filial maturity (that is growing concern about parents in the middle years: Blenkner, 1965).The greater the extent to which elderly parents live in proximity to children, the greater the likelihood of visiting and exchanging goods or services.

Class differences in frequency and type of exchange have been found in many studies (Troll and Bengtson, 1979; Neugartan 1979; Lacy and Hendricks, 1980). Shanas (1967), in a study of family help patterns among approximately 25,000 people over 65 years of age in Britain, Denmark and the United States, found that members of every social class were engaged in reciprocal assistance. However, since size of family, living arrangements, family values and economic position varied by social class, the amount, form and frequency of mutual aid also varied. Studies have shown that working–class parents are more likely to exchange services; that the middle class is more likely to exhibit patterns of serial exchange from the oldest to youngest generations. This form of reciprocity is more common among the working class and there is more face to face interaction among the working class. Among them there is more telephoning and letter writing among the middle class because of greater social and geographical mobility.

A marked difference in gender reciprocation has also been observed in familial exchange relationships. Sons often perceived assisting older parents as an instrumental act resulting from an obligation to repay a past debt, whereas daughters, because of long-standing, expressive lineal mother daughter ties, perceived assistance as an expressive, act which they wanted to or needed to perform. As a result, sons generally provided more financial assistance and frequently took decisions about the care of the parents. Daughters almost always seemed to be the primary caregivers (Horowitz, 1981). This may also be because women are more likely to play the traditional nurturing role, because the mother-daughter relationship is strengthened during the adult years, especially after the daughter has become a mother and subsequent sharing has taken place for the care of the little ones( Fischer, 1981). Marshall et.al., (1982) found that daughters worry about parental health more so than do sons. Interestingly enough it is the health of the father which generates more concern and worry than that of mother.

From the perspective of elderly parents, it appears that they primarily offer financial assistance to sons and services to daughters. However, there are great interfamily variations, depending on class and on the individual interest of the parents. If they are still employed, younger grandparents may have neither the time for nor the interest in performing baby sitting or other care-giving service roles. As a result, they may replace this personal assistance with loans or gifts of money.

Another factor influencing the type and frequency of exchange and assistance is the sense of filial responsibility or experiencing filial maturity. This represents the extent to which adult children feel obligated to meet the basic needs of their ageing parents. While the family is an important source of aid and support for the elderly, the expectations of the parents and children as to what should be done may or may not coincide. The chronological age of the children may determine their desirability to assist or interact with their parents. Adult children with very old parents may also be retired and have their own economic and health concerns. Therefore, they may be less able or willing to assist their ageing parents and may tend to abdicate some of their filial responsibility to public or private social service agencies (Gelfand et.al., 1978).

From the perspective of the ageing parents, expectations for filial responsibility seem to be higher with increasing age among females and among the widowed or divorced, if they have few economic resources, if health fails and if their general level of morale or life satisfaction is low (Seelback, 1977, 1978; Seelback and Sauer, 1977). In short, the perception of filial responsibility may influence interaction patterns in later years, where expectations differ, family solidarity is weakened, overt conflict is visible and public or private social agencies may be required to fill the void for visiting, health and household services.

Most research has focused on the type and frequency of exchange between ageing parents and adult children. Quantity rather than quality has been the central concern. Johnson and Bursk (1977) and Johnson (1978) found that the quality of the relationship is influenced by the health, economic and housing situation of the elderly and by attitudes to their personal ageing experience. The level of the affect was higher when the parents were in good health and held positive feelings about their personal ageing process. They also noted that there was more quality interaction in the relationship when parents were socially active outside the extended family. The studies on old age in India are still in their infancy as most of the studies were conducted in the 1960s, or efforts were made to explore the problems of old people. Later, in the 1970s and 1980s social scientists focused attention on issues like the status and role of old people in rural or urban communities and their adjustment in old age. As per Indian studies Mishra (1987) in his study conducted on retired male government employees in Chandigarh found a direct link and a positive correlation between health conditions and their subsequent adjustment. Poor health often leads to the redefinition of the scope of their parental role. Poor health leads to more assistance from adult offspring and it also contributes significantly to negative self feeling.

In other studies conducted by Jamuna (1984, 1987, 1988,1989, 1990,1991), Jumna and Ramamurti (1984, 1989) and Asha and Subramaniam (1990) the problems of aging like adjustment patterns, role activities and acceptance besides husband-wife communication have been examined in detail. They found that as the aging process goes on, it brings in several changes for the individual in terms of role playing and adjustments to be made at various stages. It requires adjustments to changing relations of authority and difference, to changing health situations, inter-generational problems, relations between the spouses, as also economic, social and psychological problems, following ‘exit’ situations like death and bereavement. All these call for adjustment between the aging individual and other members of the family as well as the community. Taking a clue from the research studies conducted in the area and in order to fill the gap in the existing studies the researcher in the present study has attempted to focus on the quality of exchanges rather than quantity of exchange among the elderly parents and their married children in the form of intergenerational exchanges.

MAIN OBJECTIVE:

(i)           To explore the extent of interpersonal exchanges between the elderly and their married children vis-à-vis personal, advisory and financial exchange.

(ii) To find out how far interpersonal exchanges influence the well-being of the elderly.

METHODOLOGY:

The locale of the study was Chandigarh; as amongst the states and union territories of India, Chandigarh had the highest growth rate of the aged and the city has been generally known as the retired men’s paradise.

Chandigarh was planned as an administrative capital city for the state of Punjab in 1951, and over time has emerged as one of the largest and most significant of the new cities in India. The first master plan was prepared in 1949 by the American firm of Mayer, Witlessly and Glass in association with brilliant young Architect Mathew Nowicki. However, Nowicki died in an air crash in 1950 while returning to the United States and the new city had its first setback. Albert Mayer was heart broken and refused to continue the initial plan, which was later on improved by Le-Corbusier.

Le-Corbusier considered the city plan as a biological phenomenon and according to him it has a brain, heart, lung and feet like a human being: it is on this analogy that the city of Chandigarh has been planned to the north lies the capital complex comprising of the Secretariat, High Court, Legislative Assembly which constitute the head, the city centre represents the heart which is located at the junction of two important arteries, that Madhya Marg (V2-station) and Janpath (V2-captial). The network of roads for vehicular traffic and footpaths for pedestrians constitutes the circulation system. The spacious parks and green belts which run through the city act as lungs. The Industrial Area to the East and Panjab university to the West represent the limbs, the former fulfilling the materialistic and the later the spiritual needs of the city.

The universe of the study was the aged who were residing together with their married children in Chandigarh. To identify this universe the Election Commissioner’s Office, located in sector 17, was approached. With the help of the Chairman, Election Commission, the researcher was able to prepare a sector-wise list of elderly voters who were residing with their married children. In all there were 11,826 such cases. Since the population of 60 plus elderly residing together with married children in Chandigarh was very high and they were not equally distributed in different sectors, therefore it was decided to follow a multistage sampling procedure.

To begin with, depending upon the strength of this population in all the 47 sectors (excluding the Colonies and Industrial Area Phase I and Phase II), the sectors were arranged in descending order.  To know about the cutting off point which split the sectors into two equal halves, each having fifty per cent of the population, cumulative frequency was calculated, which came out to be 4, 24, 413 and then divided by two, to know about the mid point which was 2, 12, 206. The dividing point lies between sector 35 and 41 (see Annexure I). Twelve sectors were above the cutting off point and thirty five were below it. Two sector were randomly chosen with the help of random number table from the first half (sector 20 and 22) and three sectors from the second half (sector 42, 19 and 7). The list of households thus obtained and was considered the sampling frame from which random samples of households were proportionately selected; information was gathered from elderly parents and their married children with whom they were staying together in the selected households. In this way the researcher was able to select 198 households in 5 different sectors for which a sample of 343 elderly and 198 households in 5 different sectors for which a sample of 343 elderly and 198 children were interviewed. Sector-wise distribution of the elderly and their married children is given below.

Table 1- Sector-wise distribution of elderly and their married children.

Sectors

Total no. of Households

Elderly staying with their married children

Elderly selected

Married children selected

Households selected

7

165

270

54

33

33

19

160

265

53

32

32

20

255

470

94

51

51

22

240

435

87

48

48

42

170

275

55

34

34

T0tal

990

1715

343

198

198

The intergenerational exchange was studied by taking into consideration the type and extent of exchange which takes place among the elderly and their married children. Exchange variables were articulated into three parts-receiving, giving, both receiving and giving. Each part was studied from three dimensions called financial, personal and advisory. Financial receiving includes the payment of bills, essential needs, luxury items and received cash etc. Personal help includes the help in light and heavy house-keeping, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, running errands, fixing things around the house, aiding in transportation, help in illness, help in renovating house. In advisory help they received help in countering life’s problems, like running the home, and money or business matters. While giving financial help the researcher included the payment of bills, essential needs, luxury items and giving cash etc. Personally they helped with running errands, taking care of small children, especially when someone was ill and giving advice on life’s problems, running the home, bringing up the children, besides job oriented matters.

Well-being was measured along with two components- cognitive and affective.

(i) In the cognitive dimension the researcher asked questions like things were getting better with growing age, the dearest time of their lives, happier when they were younger, best years of their lives etc.

(ii) In affective measures such questions like ‘why most of the things you do are boring’ ‘feelings of monotonous’, ‘you feel old and tired’, ‘plan things for future’ etc.

Results:

To canvass the entire range of exchanges the researcher reviewed them from three levels personal, advisory and financial.

A separate table was made to measure the personal help among the elderly and their married children with the help of questions as mentioned earlier. The following table throws light on the forms of personal exchange between elderly and their married children.

Personal help:-

Elderly usually prefer to receive help for personal care, every day chores and other ongoing needs from close family members. For example, aged parents who believe that their children would give assistance if the need arises have better psychological well being than those who are less certain about what their off spring’s response would be (Blieszner and Hamon; 1992). The following table will appraise the personal help given or received by both elderly parents and their married children.

Table 2 - Personal exchange among elderly and their married children.

Personal Help

Elderly

Married Children

Giving Help

27(7.9)

70(35.4)

Receiving Help

126(36.7)

15(7.6)

Both Giving And Receiving

190(55.4)

113(57.0)

Total

343(100)

198(100)

On the basis of analysis of the table it was found that 7.9 per cent of the elderly as compared to 35.4 per cent of married children were giving personal help. As against this 36.6 percent of elderly and only 7.6 per cent of married children were receiving help. In case of, however, both giving and receiving 55.4 per cent of elderly and 57 per cent children showed their personal interdependence on each other.

Advisory help:-

Interactions with the children buffer the affects of stressful events and situations, offer emotional sustenance and affirmation of one’s identity, yield needed assistance, help time being structured in meaningful ways, and provide continuity in important roles. Even those ways are very dependent on each other for personal care and assistance can reciprocate with affection, companionship and advice. The following table details the advisory help given by elderly and their married children.

Table 3 - Advisory exchange among elderly and their married children.

Advisory help

Elderly

Married children

Giving help

100(29.2)

56(28.3)

Receiving help

98(28.6)

59(29.8)

Both giving and receiving

145(42.3)

83(41.9)

Total

343(100)

198(100)

From Table 3 it can be summarized that 29.2 per cent of the elderly and 28.3 per cent of married children were giving advisory help to each other. On the other hand 28.6 per cent of the elderly and 29.8 per cent of the married children were receiving help. It was, however, noticed that 42.3 per cent of the elderly as well as 41.9 per cent of the married children were both giving and receiving advisory help from each other. It again proved their interdependence.

Financial help:-

The following table throws light on the forms of financial help between elderly and their married children.

Table 4 - Financial exchange among elderly and their married children.

Financial help

Elderly

Married children

Giving help

104(30.3)

56(28.3)

Receiving help

87(25.4)

59(29.8)

Both giving and receiving

152(44.3)

83(41.9)

Total

343(100)

198(100)

It was clear from the Table 4 that nearly 30.3 per cent of the elderly as compared to 28.3 per cent of married children were giving help. Against this 29.8 per cent of married children as compared to 25.4 per cent of elderly were receiving financial help. It was found that 41.9 per cent of elderly and 44.3 per cent of married children were both giving and receiving financial help from each other which showed their inter-dependence.

Overall interdependence level:-

To ascertain if the elderly were considered as an asset or burden by their married children an overall analysis of financial, personal and advisory help was carried out. For this three categories were made-dependent, independent and interdependent. The following Table shows the extent to which the elderly were considered as asset or burden by married children as well as the level of their dependency on each other.

Table 5 – Overall interdependence level of elderly and their married children.

Interdependence Level

Elderly

Married Children

Dependent

104(30.3)

45(22.7)

Independent

77(22.5)

57(28.8)

Interdependent

162(47.2)

96(48.5)

Total

343(100)

198(100)

Table 5 shows that 30.3 per cent of elderly and 22.7 per cent of married children were dependent on each other. However 22.5 per cent of the elderly and 28.9 per cent of their married children were independent. As against these, 47.2 per cent of elderly and 48.5 per cent of the married children showed their interdependence on each other. So it is very clear that majority of elderly as well as married children are inter-dependent on each other.

Table 6 Well- being of elderly and their married children.

Cognitive

Elderly

Married Children

Low

51     (14.8)

41     (20.7)

Medium

90     (26.2)

121   (61.1)

High

202   (59.0)

36     (18.2)

Affective

Low

121    (35.4)

26      (12.9)

Medium

137    (39.7)

42       (21.2)

High

85      (24.9)

130     (65.9)

Over all well- Being

Low

86       (25.1)

34       (17.2)

Medium

114     (33.2)

83       (41.9)

High

143     (41.7)

81        (40.9)

Total

343     (100)

198      (100)

The Table 6 depicts that the elderly were comparatively more capable of enjoying well being in life than their married children. Elderly were having medium affective well- being whereas married children were high on affective well-being. Analysis indicate that both are high on well being scale whereas married children were little more on the medium side. It may be due to new challenges and problems in the life of the of younger generation.

Overall picture that emerges from these concludes that the majority of elderly parents as well as their married children were both giving and receiving financial, personal and advisory help from each other. However, the giving and receiving of help is not on equal footing in each category. Who-so-ever is strong is giving and the other is receiving help. This shows the cordial relations of the family.

To know the effect of the overall interdependence level on the well-being of the aged, cross tabulation was made and to check the accuracy of the Table the test of Lambda was applied.

Table 7 : Cognitive well- being and personal help among elderly.

Cognitive Personal help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

26(50.9)

(96.3)

1(3.7)

(1.1)

0

27(100)

Receiving

7(5.6)

(1.4)

86(68.3)

(95.6)

33(26.2)

(16.3)

126(100)

Both giving and receiving help

18(9.5)

(35.3)

3(1.6)

(3.3)

169(88.9)

(83.7)

190(100.)

Total

51

(100)

90

(100)

200

(100)

343

Lambda-0.6

It is clear from Table 7 that a large majority of the elderly who were both giving and receiving personal help were high on their cognitive well-being level. The elderly who were receiving personal help were having medium cognitive well-being. On the other hand, the elderly who were giving personal help had low cognitive well-being. The analysis of the Table from the row side envisages the same results. The value of the lambda came out to be 0.6 which showed very high association between cognitive well-being and personal help.

Table 8 : Cognitive well-being and advisory help among elderly.

Cognitive Advisory help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

46(46.0)

(90.2)

3(3.0)

(3.3)

51(51.0)

(25.2)

100(100)

Receiving

1(1.0)

(1.9)

87(88.8)

(96.7)

10(10.2)

(4.9)

98(100)

Both giving and receiving

4(2.8)

(7.8)

0

141(97.2)

(69.8)

145(100)

Total

51(100)

(100)

90

(100)

202

(100)

343

Lambda-0.6

Table 8 shows that the majority of the elderly (96.7) with medium well-being level were receiving advisory help as compared to the elderly (90.2) with low well-being level who were giving advisory help. More than half of the elderly (69.8) who were both giving and receiving advisory help from their married children were high on their cognitive well-being. The row side of the table shows the same results. Lambda value came out to be 0.06 which showed a very high association between cognitive well-being and advisory exchange

Table 9 - Cognitive Well-being and financial help among elderly.

Cognitive Financial help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

49(47.1)

96.1)

19(18.3)

(21.1)

36(34.6)

(17.8)

104(100)

Receiving

2(2.3)

(3.9)

69(79.3)

(76.7)

16(18.4)

(7.9)

87(100.)

Both giving and receiving

0

2(1.3)

(2.2)

150(98.7)

(74.3)

152(100.0)

Total

51

(100)

90

(100)

202

(100)

343

Lambda- 0.5

Table 9 exhibits that the majority of the elderly who were both giving and receiving financial help were high on cognitive well-being. More than half of the elderly who were receiving financial help were having medium levels of cognitive well-being as compared to those elderly (less than half) who were giving financial help were low on their well-being level. The analysis of the table from row side shows the same results. Lambda was applied to check the association, its value came out to be 0.5 which shows a high association with each other. Thus it can be concluded that cognitive well-being is directly related with the financial help extended by the elderly.

Table 10 – Affective Well-being and personal help among elderly

Affective Personal help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

25(92.6)

(20.7)

1(3.7)

(0.7)

1(3.7)

(0.7)

27(100)

Receiving

69(64.3)

(66.9)

49(27.8)

(41.2)

8(7.9)

(7.3)

126(100)

Both giving and receiving

27(7.9)

(66.9)

35(25.8)

57.6)

128(66.3)

(92.0)

190(100)

Total

121 (100)

85 (100)

137 (100)

343

Lambda-0.4

The above table shows that majority of the elderly (92.0) with high affective well-being were both giving and receiving personal help from their married children. The elderly (66.9) with low affective well-being were receiving personal help. The analysis of the table from row side shows that elderly (92.6) who were giving personal help were low on their affective well-being level as compared with the elderly (66.3) who were both giving and receiving personal help and were high on their affective well-being level. The calculated value of lambda came out to be 0.4 which shows high association between affective well-being and personal help among the elderly parents and their married children.

Table 11 - Affective Well-being and Advisory Help among Elderly.

Affective Advisory Help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

80(80.0)

(66.1)

5(5.0)

(5.9)

15(15.0)

(10.4)

100(100)

Receiving

19(19.4)

(15.7)

72(73.5)

(84.7)

7(7.1)

(5.1)

98(100)

Both giving and receiving

22(15.2)

(18.2)

8(5.5)

(9.4)

11579.3)

(83.9)

145(100)

Total

121(100)

85(100)

137(100)

343

Lambda-0.6

Table 11 shows that majority of the elderly with high affective well-being were both giving and receiving advisory help from their married children. Elderly with low affective well-being were giving advisory help as compared with the elderly with medium well-being who were receiving advisory help. Analysis of the table from row side concludes the same results. The value of lambda came out to be 0.6 which showed very high association between affective well-being and advisory help.

Table 12 - Affective Well-being and Financial help among Elderly.

Affective Financial help

Low

Medium

High

Total

Giving

99(95.2)

(81.8)

2(1.9)

(2.4)

3(2.9)

(2.2)

104(100)

Receiving

17(19.5)

14.0)

65(74.7)

(76.5)

5(5.7)

3.6)

87(100)

Both giving and receiving

5(3.3)

(4.2)

18(11.8)

21.0)

129(84.9)

(94.2)

152(100)

Total

121

85

137

343

Lambda-0.7

Table 12 shows that a large majority of the elderly (94.2) with high effective well-being were both giving and receiving financial help from their married children. The elderly (81.8) with low well-being were giving financial help and the elderly (76.5) with medium well-being were receiving financial help. The row side of the table envisages the same results. The calculated value of lambda was 0.7 which shows high association between affective well-being and financial help.

Table 13 - Cognitive well-being and overall interdependence among elderly.

Cognitive

Overall

interdependence

Low

Medium

High

Total

Dependent

40(38.5)

(78.5)

30(28.8)

(33.3)

34(32.7)

(16.8)

104(100)

Independent

9(11.7)

(17.6)

55(7145)

(61.1)

13(16.9)

(6.4)

77(100)

Interdependent

2(1.2)

(3.9)

5(3.1)

(5.6)

155(95.7)

(76.7)

162(100)

Total

51(100)

90(100)

202 (100)

343

Lambda – 0.4

It is clear from Table 13 that the majority of the elderly who were interdependent (95.7) were high on their cognitive well-being level in comparison with those who were dependent (38.5). Those who were independent (71.4) have medium well-being levels. if we analysis the table from column side  it was envisaged that those who were low on their cognitive well-being level were dependent on their children (78.5) and more than half of those who were high on their cognitive well-being level were interdependent on their married children. Lambda was applied to check the association between cognitive well-being and overall interdependence level of elderly parents with their married children. The calculated value of lambda came out to be 0.4 which showed a high association with each other. Thus, it can be concluded that the cognitive well-being had been directly related with overall interdependence of levels of the elderly.

Table 14 - Affective well- being and overall interdependence level among elderly.

Affective

Overall

Interdependence

Low

Medium

High

Total

Dependent

99(9.2)

(81.8)

4(3.8)

(4.7)

1(1.0)

(1.0)

104(100.0))

Independent

13(16.9)

(10.7)

57(74)

(67.1)

67(9.1)

(5.1)

77(100.0)

Interdependent

9(5.6)

(7.4)

24(14.8)

(28.2)

129(79.6)

(94.2)

162(100.0)

Total

121(100.O)

85(100.0)

137(100.0)

343(100.0)

Lambda-0.6

Table 14 denoted that a majority of the elderly (94.2%) who were high on their affective well-being were interdependent. Three-fourths of the elderly who were low on their affective well-being were dependent. While analyzing table from row side, it was seen that a majority of elderly who were dependent were low on their affective well-being level. On the other side more than half of the elderly with high affective well-being were interdependent. Test of Lambda was applied to check the association between them. The value of lambda came out to be 0.6 which showed high association among them. Thus, it can be concluded that affective well being is directly related with overall interdependent level.

Table 15 - Overall well-being and overall interdependence level among elderly.

Overall Well-Being

Overall

Interdependence

Low

Medium

High

Total

Dependent

70(67.3)

(81.0)

29(27.9)

(4.7)

5(4.8)

(3.5)

104(100)

Independent

7(9.1)

(8.0)

70(90.9)

(61.4)

0(0)

(0)

77(100)

Interdependent

9(5.6)

(10.5)

15(9.3)

(13.2)

138(85.2)

(96.5)

162

Total

86(100)

114(100)

143(100)

343

Lambda-0.6

Table 15 envisaged that a majority of the elderly(96.5) with high overall well-being were interdependent and three-fourths of the of elderly with low well-being levels were dependent upon their married children. More than half (61.4) with medium well-being were independent. On the other hand if we analyses the table from the row side it reveals that a majority of the elderly who were independent were have medium levels of well-being. More than three-fourths of the elderly (85.2) who were interdependent were high on their well-being levels and more than half of the elderly (67.3) who were dependent were low on their well-being levels. Test of lambda was applied, and value of it came out to be 0.4 which showed a high association between overall well being and overall interdependence levels. Thus, it can be summarized that overall well-being do have impact on the interdependence level of the elderly.

Discussion of results:

The basis of exchange between elderly parents and their married children changes throughout the life cycle, depending on each side’s circumstances. As far as the present context is concerned, this patterns of exchange focus on the principle of reciprocity which operates among them and its effect on their levels of well-being. The reciprocity operates in a direct manner, where the givers are also the receivers within the same relationship. Majority of the elderly and their married children were interdependent on financial, personal and advisory help which means both were giving as well as receiving help from each other. A small number of elderly were independent and they were only helping the children and getting nothing in return. Similarly a small number of elderly were totally dependent on the children and they were only the recipients of help but not giving anything in return. The majority of the elderly who gave financial help to the children were receiving personal help from them and the elderly who received financial help were giving personal help to the children if their health permitted. The advisory help to each other was based on who was more intelligent and had better state of mind to offer help. The elderly who were financially well off were however found to be enjoying better well-being. Finally it was found that the elderly who had reciprocal relationship with their married children were enjoying high levels of well-being than those who were independent or dependent.

 

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Help Your Children With Divorce

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Don’t Fight With Your Ex-Spouse: The most serious and long-term problems occur for children when their parents continue to fight. When children of divorce are asked the magic wand or three wishes question: “If you had a magic wand and could change anything you wanted in your life, what would you change?” Or, “if you had three wishes and could wish for anything you wanted, what would you wish for?” It is very common that the number one answer is always that either their parents would get back together, or that their parents would stop fighting. It is very easy for parents to get caught up in a destructive cycle of hurting each other. Parents know each other’s weak and vulnerable areas better than anyone else. But, the problem is that then the other parent will also in turn retaliate in some way and the cycle then continues. It is critical that parents learn how to minimize conflict. People who have been in intimate relationships know how to push each other’s buttons. They are engaged in a dance together where they each know the steps to the dance. It is critical that ex-partners change the steps to the dance with each other, no matter who is at fault. Parents need to ask themselves if they really want to live in a state of chronic conflict for the next five or ten years until the children are grown. Then, after that, there are weddings and other family events where they will have to be involved with their ex-partner. Cooperating more will not only help the children over time, but will also help parents move on with their lives and get beyond their hurt and anger. One of the most important things parents can do to help their children is to protect them from their fighting.

Allow children to freely love the other parent: The second most important thing parents can do to help their children is to freely allow them to love both parents. It is the greatest gift that a divorcing parent can give to their child and very difficult for parents who are hurt and angry at the other parent. It is very common and a natural reaction to someone who has hurt us and continues to do so, to subtly sabotage the relationship with the other parent. It is easy to let negative comments slip out. Parents’ non-verbal behavior can give them away, as do overheard conversations, remarks, knowing glances and looks of disapproval. It is also easy to involve children in our disputes with the other parent. What is commonly heard in therapy from children of divorce is that they feel guilty having positive feelings about the other parent. What ends up happening is that children learn to keep a lot of their feelings to themselves about the other parent. They don’t communicate with the other parent about events that occurred when with one or the other parent. For example, they may not tell a parent anything positive about the other parent, or even their concerns about the other parent, for that matter. They kind of wall off their lives with each of their parents in separate compartments because they know it is not safe to express any kind of feelings about the other parent. Children come to believe that their expression of feelings may be misconstrued and misinterpreted and used against that parent, thus adding to the conflict. It is unfair to children to have to carry this kind of burden and limits the relationship the child has with both parents while causing resentment, confusion, guilt and secrecy within the child. Parents need to support the relationship with the other parent. In actuality, parents need the other parent involved in helping them parent their children. It is a difficult and challenging task parenting children in a two parent household; in a single parent household, parents need all of the support they can get.

Some of the ways parents can support the relationship with the other parent are:

a) supporting special holidays for the other parent, i.e. father’s or mother’s day, birthday, Christmas, etc. Parents can take children shopping in order to buy a card or a gift for the other parent. Parents can also remind children of important holidays for the other parent.

b) allowing the child to have pictures of the other parent in their room. This is especially important if the other parent is not seen very often. Children need visual reminders of their parents. They want both parents around all of the time. A photograph of the other parent will be a gentle reminder to the child of that parent’s presence. A parent once reported that she was tempted to take all of the family pictures off of the wall where her ex was in the picture, but then caught herself and realized how important the pictures were for her child. There was another parent who displayed a family photo album where all of the pictures of the mother had the face area blackened out. It is important for the child to see and have pictures of the family pre-divorce. It is equally important for the child to know that both parents support the idea of their children maintaining a sense of family history by having photographs of both parents.

c) allow children to freely express all of their feelings regarding the other parent without the child fearing that it will be used against the parent or against the child.

It is important to remember that 50% of children’s genetic material is shared with each parent and, despite parent’s negative feelings about the parent, children love both parents and need a relationship with both of them. It is also important to note that when one parent is put down in front of the child, in the child’s mind that parent is putting down that part of the child that shares the other parent’s genetic material. Put-downs can also create a sense of shame in the child that can have long-term consequences. Parents that live a distance away can maintain their relationship in a number of ways. If they have a computer, they can send e-mail, postcards, etc. Another tip for non-custodial parents: buy a stack of stamped postcards, address all at once while watching television for example, and send a postcard weekly. For younger children, the post cards can be decorated with stickers and mailed.

Children need frequent contact with both parents: Children need both parents involved in their lives. Both parents have unique gifts that only they can offer to their child that the other parent cannot. Research has consistently shown that children do better when they have frequent contact with both parents as long as the parents are not involved in chronic conflict or the children are continually put in the middle of their parent’s conflict. In one study (Bisnaire, 1990), it was found that 30% of the children interviewed showed a marked decrease in academic performance that was evident three years after the divorce. The group that did the very best were the children who had frequent access to both parents. Data from this study also revealed that non-custodial parents (who were mostly fathers) were very influential in their children’s development. Parenting time, or the time that children have with each of their parents, needs to be respected by parents. It is important for the child to have the undivided attention of their parent. It makes the child feel like she or he is important to the parent. If that time is shared with new love objects or engaged in an adult activity, it makes the child feel less important. Give your child your undivided attention. During the time after divorce, children need all of the reassurance they can get and if they see their time with you is valued by you, it will help them to feel loved and respected. It is important for parents to be on time when picking up children for parenting time. It is also important not to cancel time with children unless it is an emergency. It is very damaging to children when parents simply don’t show up during their appointed time. Anecdotal stories are heard all of the time from both children and adults who reported that they were devastated after waiting for their parent and they did not show.

Provide explanations about the divorce: Children need age-appropriate explanations about why their parents are not living together anymore. It is surprising how many parents do not talk to their children about divorce. A child’s fantasy about why parents split up is much worse than reality. Children have a natural tendency to blame themselves for the break-up. Children often think that it was something that they did that caused their parent’s separation. For young children, provide simple explanations, i.e. “mommy and daddy have decided not to live together anymore because we do not get along together, no matter how hard we try,” or “parents divorce when they don’t love each other.” Reinforce to a young child that the divorce was not their fault, that mommy and daddy still and always will love them, that they are still a family but have different living arrangements, that they did not divorce them. Give children continual reassurance that the divorce was not their fault. For older children, it is important to have extensive conversations about the divorce and post-divorce life. This normalizes and helps to de-stigmatize parents’ divorce. Children are very capable of expressing their concerns and fears and a simple understanding of the parent’s point of view. It is appropriate to let children know that even though mother and father disagree about their own personal lives, there is still agreement about their lives.

Present the other parent in a positive light: It is easy for parents to project onto their children their own experience of the other parent. It is important for parents to understand that children have a separate and different relationship with each parent. It is not uncommon for parents to believe that because the child’s other parent treated them badly, the other parent also treats the children badly. When one parent has been minimally involved in a child’s life and wants to be more involved after separation, it is tempting to believe that the other parent is not sincere in their desire and that they have ulterior motives for their nascent interest in their children. It is not uncommon that, post-separation, the least involved parent has a sincere and genuine interest in developing a relationship with their children. The parent frequently begins to realize what he or she has lost. It is important that this relationship be supported. Your child needs to know her or his parents’ good qualities. Try to present these qualities to children. There was once something good about the other parent that made the parent fall in love with them. Parents need to present this side of the parent to the child. It is so important for parents to support the relationship with the other parent. If the other parent does something particularly good for the child or takes the child to a fun place, it would be good for parents to make positive comments about it. Comments such as “it was so nice of your father (or mother) to do that for you. She (or he) loves you very much.” It is common for a parent to think that there is a finite amount of love, and if their child loves one parent a lot, then the child will love them less. Not only is there not a finite amount of love a child can receive, but supporting the relationship with the other parent will result in the child having more positive feelings toward that parent not less.

Minimize any change: Keep children’s lives as stable as possible. If possible, try not to initiate any changes in the child’s life after the divorce. Try to keep children in the same school with the same caregivers and in the same residence if possible. Sticking to predictable routines makes children feel safe. They will feel more secure if the world is stable and predictable. As few changes as possible should be made in the child’s world during this period. Unlike adults, they may be unable to understand that the problems in the family are temporary and not connected to them. Changes should be introduced gradually. How quickly children adjust will depend on each child’s ability to cope with change.

Allow children to express their feelings: Help younger children to identify and verbalize feelings such as anger, fear, sadness, etc. Children need an opportunity to express fears and feelings. It is important to allow and encourage children to express them. In one example a child whose father lived about 500 miles away and saw infrequently began to wear a dress that her father had bought her around the clock. The mother, who was in tune with her child realized that her daughter was wearing the dress because she missed him. The mother allowed this and would wash the dress at night after the child had gone to sleep. This was admirable for the mother to do. The mother could have even taken it a step further and stated to the daughter that she was wondering if she was wearing the dress was because she missed her father and wearing it somehow made her feel closer to her father. Identifying the child’s feelings and labeling them (i.e. missing her father, making her feel closer to him) helps the child to develop a vocabulary for her feelings. Next time the child wears the dress, or has a similar experience, the child is more likely to remember why she is engaging in such behavior. Allow the child time to process and deal with their feelings. It is important to be available and give permission to talk about what is happening to them. Parents need to listen without giving advice in a non-judgmental and non-critical way. In addition, we often have a tendency to want to “fix it” with our children because it is difficult for us in general to tolerate our children’s strong emotional states. It is important for us to create a climate where our children feel safe to express their feelings. For example, one parent reported that she was at school in the morning before school began watching her daughter play on the monkey bars when she suddenly fell off and landed on her face. She was cut quite badly and quickly after the child fell, her mother swooped her into her arms and began cuddling her. In an instant, about three teachers ran up to the mother and child. To the mother’s surprise all three began telling the child that she was okay over and over again. The mother was quite surprised at this because the child clearly was not okay. The mother began rocking and cradling the child all the while telling the child that she was sorry the child fell and she knew how much something like this must have hurt. This mother’s actions validated her daughter’s experience and gave a message to her child that it is okay to cry and have hurt feelings.

Inform teachers and caregivers about your divorce: Advising teachers and caregivers about the divorce will help them to be more sensitive to your child during this time and the teacher may also alert parents to any changes they may have noticed in their child. The non-custodial parent can also request that a copy of the child’s grades and any announcements regarding open houses, etc. sent to him or her. An extra bonus for the school-aged child is for parents to get involved with their child’s school in some way. Parents could volunteer to help in the classroom, be a driver for field trips or be involved in parent-teacher organizations. Working parents could volunteer to bring treats on special occasions such as Halloween, Hanukah, Christmas, Easter, etc. One father I know brought each child an inexpensive dreidl on Hanukah, for example.

Keep children out of adult matters: It is important to protect your children from adult matters. Children need to be protected from assuming adult roles. They need reinforcement that their job is to be children, and it is the parent’s job to handle adult responsibilities. They need to know that their parents are capable and equipped to deal with the divorce. This helps them to feel secure and stable. For example, it was reported that a seven-year-old girl who wanted to live with her father. After talking to her, the mother reported that the child told her that the reason she wanted to live with her father was to make sure the father’s jeans were clean for work. This child was being robbed of her childhood and was carrying a burden that was too great for a child. In another example, a four-year old wanted to take her favorite potato chips to her visitation because she worried that her father didn’t have enough to eat. It is particularly tempting to involve adolescents in parent’s worries. Older teens have similar developmental skills in abstract thinking and language as their parents do, but they do not have comparable skills in emotional and moral development. It is often tempting to include the adolescent in adult concerns. It is overwhelming for them and an unfair emotional burden for them to have to carry. They still need clear emotional boundaries and need to be kept out of adult concerns.

Give children plenty of reassurance: Children need a lot of reassurance that parent’s love them, that the divorce is not their fault, and that both father and mother are committed to them, and that they will not be abandoned. Parents can tell children that they cannot divorce them because they are not married to them. It is important to maintain a sense of family and to develop new family rituals and traditions. Older children may doubt parent’s love, they need clear and consistent affection and support from both parents.

What divorce is asking of parents is difficult. It is asking parents to take a big step, and, in the face of their own pain and hurt toward the child’s other parent, to support and encourage the relationship between that parent and child. It is a fact that personal and psychological growth occurs more during times of suffering than when times are good. A parent’s task is a difficult one, but can have profound effects on children’s adjustment as well as parent’s own personal growth. Do not hesitate to seek help and support. This is a time in one’s life where outside social support (in the form of therapy, friends, support groups, or classes) can be especially helpful.

 

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